Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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