And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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