GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
