I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
someone owes me an orgasm
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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