yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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