Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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