Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
as a side note pls kill me
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