margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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