I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
