she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
