Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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