Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
