based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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