What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
