I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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