glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
