Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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