no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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