I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
