I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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