When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
