In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
