There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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