I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
