Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
