she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
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Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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