Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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