Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
