after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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