if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
