i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
