My balls are so social today.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
