So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
