Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
