I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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