i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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