fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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