just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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