im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
