I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
