Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
