Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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