apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
