never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
