eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
false alarm. still invincible.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
