the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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