Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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