did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
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