did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
