I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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