Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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