I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
