I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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