Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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