I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
