I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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