I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
