So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
