Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
